The spider in my kitchen moved with the confidence of someone whose name is on the lease.

“My cat isn’t lazy — he’s on energy-saving mode.”
“I don’t own a cat; I rent an attitude with fur.”
“My cat believes 3 a.m. is the ideal time for cardio.”
“The quickest way to lose your seat is to stand up when you have a cat.”
“My cat stares at me like I owe him money.”
“Cats are proof that judgment can grow whiskers.”
“I bought my cat a bed, so naturally he sleeps in the box.”
“A cat’s favorite hobby is preventing you from doing yours.”
“My cat acts like he pays the mortgage.”
“Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.”